Looks good to me, thanks Pam. My next step would've been about the same as
yours, to make the message more terse. In particular, I think that the
"contact us to discuss alternatives" says all that it needs to say. We need
to talk to people about every potential intake anyway, so there's no need to
parse out every possible scenario.
Somebody else on discuss list said that the "not closing our doors forever"
made it sound like we were going out of business. I disagree (more
specifically, I think that is taking a part of a sentence out of context)
but, if we can spare three more words we could expand that to say, "not
closing our doors to new intakes forever." I don't feel too strongly either
way.
Thanks.
--VH
From: media-advisors-bounces@mickaboo.org
[mailto:media-advisors-bounces@mickaboo.org] On Behalf Of Lee, Pamela A
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2011 8:42 PM
To: Media-advisors@mickaboo.org
Subject: [Media-advisors] website message - drafting continued
To Vinny's point, I think our full message needs to "fit" on the same
webpage, without the need to page down to see the rest of the message. I've
been part of an eCommerce group for years, and it's proven that messages
"above the fold" are more effective than those "below" the fold.
Attached is a re-draft to achieve that purpose without (I hope) losing too
much of the punch which Vinny artfully created. It's a thought - I invite
further artistic help!
-Pam <>
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